Turn 10 Studios Announces What The 4th DLC Pack Will Be

Redmond, Washington: With Forza 5 just now hitting shelves, Turn 10 Studios has announced what some of the upcoming DLC packs will be. "We are very excited to let everyone know, we have heard your critiques" head of forza design said. "We want to give those diehard fans exactly what they want, a realistic view into motorsports."

The DLC is reported to be an expansion of the already tough career mode. Included in the expansion will be three different paths that a race driver may take. Of the three the "gentlemen driver" mode seems to be the easiest. "What's great is you already start off with quite a bit of cash flow from your business of choice, and then go racing. It's that simple. You start off in a Mazda MX-5 Cup car, then after the first season you can buy a LMPC and race."

One of the other modes is Professional Driver. There you start off in karts and work your way up. Along the way you have to pick up sponsors and have to present to other sponsors using Microsoft Offices PowerPoint program. Don't meet the requirements of a positive ROI, the online community of fake sponsors will be open for you to choose from. Then start the tedious process of presenting your racing package again and again. Professional Driver is online only.

The final one is the "Ride Buyer" mode. There you start off with company backing from one of many licensed businesses like Red Bull and Coca-Cola. While ride buyer is mainly a IndyCar level, teaming with an online "Professional Driver" will get you into sports cars. If you do choose to stay in the IndyCar level, you will be able to read the many pre-made blogs from fanatical IndyCar fans. Replace a well liked driver and be prepared to see how bad "you suck!" According to an amateur journalist in Georgia.

Forza Motorsports 5 released on November 22.

-Ross Fujibayashi

This article is for satrical purpose only and not a source of factual information -Editor

PRS Guitar Sponsorship Blocks Other Guitar Companies

Braselton, GA: In a strange move, that has left teams scratching their heads and scrambling. The Tudor United Sports Car Championship Series has slipped into the entry form that no other guitar manufactures sponsorship branding will be allowed. While some may find this as a minor problem, teams like Highcroft Racing and Intersport, are dependant upon the money the guitar companies provide.

"It's kind of a slap in the face ya know" Highcroft team principal Duncan Dayton said "We are a Schecter team, always have been, but now.....I'm not sure what we are going to do" A represenative for Intersport  had the same sentiment "For the longest time we relied on Ibanez for backing. We were developing a new LMP2 chassis with Ibanez and ORECA just for TUSC or TUSCC or USCR or whatever it is. But now it looks like we are going to have to find a diffrent route"

Amid all the speculation and waiting for the final Prototype regulations, Scott Atherton released a statement regarding the decision. "We went with Paul Reed Smith because they embodied what the Tudor Series is all about. Great sounding machinery. The bonus was the backstage pass to see Chevelle, Pete Loeffler plays a great looking PRS, and they are my favorite band of all time"

Stalled on the Grid asked if there was a chance that any other Guitar company would be able get permission to have branding, Atherton replied "Only if the team sends a written request, and a bitchen video of a guitar solo" Fender was quoted as being interested in sponsoring a team but since has reconsidered.

Fans have taken to Twitter to express their frustration "I got my 1st real six string, I bought it at the 5 and dime. I'm a BC Rich fan who's outraged with #TUSC" said @MSJ42. @SuperQuickGT500 had this to say via the 160 character site "I just don't see where this makes sense. I mean it's just a guitar. #TUSC #DoesntMakeSense"

Other interesting, "there can be only one" IMSA Tudor products include, Ritz crackers, Casio calculators, and BIC pens.

The series opens at Daytona on January 23, 2014

-Ross Fujibayashi

This article is for satire purposes only and should not be used as factual information - Editor

Hall Of Fame Will Open Kurt Busch Exhibit

Charlotte, NC: Wanting to tell a more current story, that doesn't involve Danica, the NASCAR Hall of Fame will open the "Kurt Busch Doesn't Give A F***" exhibit.

On the heels of Kurt Busch and Furniture Row's announcement to have Kurt run the "Talladega Nights" tribute Wonder Bread paint scheme. NASCAR figured it was the perfect time to cash in on this possible cash cow. "We have discussed it for quite sometime, but just couldn't come up with the perfect angle."  Blake Davidson (VP of Licensing and Consumer Products for NASCAR) said. "We reached out to our fan base, and went a bit further in debt in the process, to find the perfect new theme. Everyone with a Sprint phone that had coverage replied "Kurt Busch and his antics"

The hall has made room for 4 of the famous Kurt Busch tribute cars, the two Talladega Nights cars, the Days of Thunder City Chevrolet, and the Neil Bonnett Country Time car. Within addition to the cars are several pieces of importance, on the Kurt Busch fall then rise. Artifacts include, a wax bust of a shocked Dr. Jerry Punch, the infamous torn Dodge Press release, and Bob Pockrass' recorder from the Dover incident.

Visitors to the museum can partake in several interactive parts of the exhibit. Like the, "Threatening a reporter meter". Insult a reporter, see how high you can get it. "The crew hold back", test your strength as an animatronic pit crew holds you back from getting into a fight. Another exhibit is the "How to make an apology video" chair. There fans can sit in a chair, with a sweater covering them, and they apologize for something wrong they've done in the past.

Fans across Motorsports are looking forward to the "Insult or pick a fight with a reporter" meter. "For so long, I've been insulting those IndyCar announcers for ABC on Twitter. It's great that now I have a chance to see if my veiled attempts at being a troll are up to par and move the needle" said an IndyCar fan from Detroit.

The exhibit opens August 4th, 2014

Ross Fujibayashi

This Article is for satire purposes only and not to be used as factual information - Editor

Grand-Am Loses Magic 8-Ball

Monterey, California: In what can only be explained as a tragedy, the Rolex Grand-Am Series has lost their Magic 8-Ball. The Magic 8-Ball that has been a staple in Race Control, and was discovered missing by Race Control head Paul Walter

"The thing that sucks is we REALLY wanted to give John Pew a penalty for diving under Mike Hedlund" Walter said "But with no Magic 8-Ball we let it go."

One team owner said "Oh man now maybe they'll call a fair race.....meh I'm sure they'll get another one at Big Lots! or something"

With inconsistency being a consistent factor with all the series, Grand-Am wanted to be on par with IndyCar. "We know Beaux Barfield is trying out his Magic 8-Ball, we like to think we inspired him"  Walter said.

Just when the new 8-Ball will arrive is unknown, but when it comes back, the competitors will have comfort. "Ya, not having an 8-Ball makes me worry, imagine the implications of a human mind taking in the fact of driver safety" one driver of the Magnus Porsche said.

In other Grand-Am news, The Racers Group has found a way to expand their "Pay to Drive!!!!" Initiative. The Kevin Buckler owned squad has picked up eBay payment assistance company PayPal as a sponsor.

"For the 2014 Rolex 24 at Daytona PayPal, has agreed to wave fees of gentleman drivers wanting a ride in of our 6 Porsche 911's" Buckler went on to say "It's a great program I hope we can expand that to running 7 Porsches." 20 drivers have already signed up.

-Ross Fujibayashi

This article for satire purposes only and not to be used as factual information -Editor

A.J. Foyt Revealed As Tony Stewart's Father

Tony talks to Foyt about his career path after NASCAR

Mooresville, North Carolina: NASCAR driver Tony Stewart, wanting to silience the birthers that have hounded him since his Cup debut, released his birth certificate this week. In hopes of finally setting the record straight. In a copy obtained by Stalled On The Grid, it's most curious thing is finding his father is none other than A.J. Foyt. Once and for all settling the debate that Foyt is truly Stewart's father.

 

SOTG reached out to Foyt for a comment and was told "F*** off, who is Stale on the grill? Did Robin Miller send you?! Get off my lawn!" SOTG also asked Tony Stewart for a comment, here's what "Smoke" had to say. "I'm sorry it took this long to release, we actually thought one of those crazy near death experiences would've gotten Foy....errr...I mean Dad" Tony went on to say "Frankly I'm surprised no one figured it out sooner. I mean our first names are Anthony." While they do share first names it's still a mystery how Foyt had time back in '71 to even make a chld.

 

A source close to the Tony Stewart camp said "Those two have known for a long while, but they did a great job of hiding it." Plans at Stewart-Haas Racing won't change, and Tony has expressed no interest in running the IndyCar team of A.J. Foyt Racing. "Right now it wouldn't make sense for me to absorb it with Dad still around." Tony said "Maybe in a few years, yeah maybe in a few years".

 

-Ross Fujibayashi

This is intended for satire purpose only and not  a source of factual information - Editor

Andretti Signs Ryden Hunter-Reay

Nazareth, Pennsylvania - Michael Andretti, owner of Andretti Autosport, has reached a deal with Ryden Hunter-Reay. Ryden, who was born on December 28th, 2012 (making him 248 days old) is the youngest signing in Indycar history. Current Indycar Champion and Andretti Autosport driver Ryan Hunter-Reay and wife Beccy were cautiously optimistic about the deal based on close sources, although they could not be reached for official comment.

As far as Michael is concerned, the owner said, "If he turns out to be as good as his dad, then we want him locked up for many years. I think this was a smart move." Andretti signed Ryden to a 31 year deal, with a two year option at the end of it. When Ryden comes of age, he will begin his driving career.

Not to be outdone, Chip Ganassi is in close contact with Poppy Dixon, Scott Dixon's daughter. No deal has been made yet, and no comment has been made by any party involved in the negotiations.

-Matthew Hickey

This article is intended to be satire and for humor purposes only and not factual information -editor

NASCAR Fans Admit NASCAR Movies Are Horrendous

At a recent NASCAR race in Bristol, several fans got caught up in an intellectual conversation about the movies that portray their beloved sport. The outcome? The movies Stroker Ace, Days of Thunder, and Talledega Nights are very bad examples of cinematography. "I was talking with my friend James over there, and we decided that all three of those 'NASCAR' movies are a joke" Steven Jones a NASCAR fan from Tupelo, Miss said. "It's just unrealistic to think that a driver would dress in a chicken suit. Borrow a competitors motor. Or even let a French guy drive in Sprint Cup. I mean could you imagine all of that".

While the movies did earn a cult following for sometime, due to such great lines like "I'm coming for you Ricky Bobby" and "Hit the pace car". The movies are now being seen in different light after fans see "Senna". "I watched Senna at home one night, and I couldn't believe what I was watching. It looked so real!" After being told it indeed was real and an biography, fan Frank Rogers responded "Really? But those cars didn't have fenders or American sponsors. And they turned right lap after lap without banging eachother" One other movie that they did bring up that they did enjoy was Steve McQueen's Le Mans. "When I heard McQueen and racing film I scoffed at the idea, thinking it was that god awful 'Cars' movie. Was I wrong, wrecking, racing, wrecking, racing, love story, racing, main star doesn't win. It was a thrillride all the way through" another fan said.

One fan who liked "Days of Thunder" because of "The way Tom Cruise explains the draft is so real. I feel like that's how Dale Sr. showed Teresa years ago. We miss you 3". That fan was later rediculed for liking such a lame dramatization, of a fragile subject. The subject of how Dale Sr could see the air. Other racing films, mainly from the 60's never reached the success that "Days of Thunder" did in the '90's. One such film starred the voice Doc Hudson, Paul Newman who's career had gone stagnate since "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid". The film called "Winning" was centered around the once important Indianapolis 500.

With Ron Howard's newest film "Rush" about to hit theaters, NASCAR fans are still a bit skeptic about another Open Wheel movie being better than cinematic masterpiece "Driven". "I hope it does well, I mean that James Hunt seems like womanizing Kurt Busch and that Niki Lauda is burned up Jimmie Johnson for sure" Frank said. "But man oh man does it have big shoes to fill after "Driven". If it's got them Formula 1 cars racing in the streets of a city then I'm sold on it". Rush opens nationwide September 13.